Blind Jokes

„Maybe BLIND JOKES are taboo for some because some are too blind to see the humor.“ :-)

Collected and compiled by @PerBusch. You can find more blindness related jokes in German language at Blindenwitze.

Some of my favorite Blind Jokes

Q: Why don’t the blind go to hell? A: Because the devil is afraid they’ll step on his tail.

Q: What’s the worst thing you could do to a blind person? A: Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q: How did a blind man drive his car? A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It’s not hard.

A blind man walks into a bar. At least he thinks so.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a chair. And a table. And the counter.

someone in a bar at dawn: „I don’t drink my first beer until dark.“A blind man answers: „So do I.“

One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.” Both men ran away.

Two women talking. Says one: „Have you heard? „There’s Viagra for women now.“ „How do the pills work?“ „You’ll go blind for half an hour.“

A blind hedgehog runs into a cactus and asks, „Is that you, Mama?“

„I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. – Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.“

Reporter to Stevie Wonder: „It must have been difficult to make such a great career as a blind man in the USA.“ Oh,“ says Stevie Wonder, „that’s still possible. Imagine if I was black.“

Questions & Answers

  • Q: What’s one way to distinguish a blind person from a sighted person? A: Almost all blind people laugh at these blind jokes, while sighted people claim they’re offensive.
  • Q: What is one good thing about being a blind teenager? A: Knowing that your parents will never read your diary.
  • Q: What are the dots on a woman’s nipples? A: It’s braille for „SUCK ME.
  • Q: Why do blind people like medicine so much? A: Because it has sight effects.
  • Q: What do you call a blind nazi? A: A not see.
  • Q: Why are bats blind? A: Well, you wouldn’t see too good if you hung upside-down all day, would you?
  • Q: What is a Helen Keller doll? A: You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture.
  • Q: Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his buddies anymore? A: Because he’s married.
  • Q: Have you seen one of Stevie Wonder’s wifes? A: Neither has he.
  • Q: How did a blind man meet his wife? A: On a blind date.
  • Q: What did a blind boy’s parent’s do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture
  • Q: What are blind children mostly afraid of at night? A: The light.
  • Q: Why do sighted people have night lights in their bathrooms? A: Because they can’t pee in the dark.
  • Q: Why was a blind man’s leg wet? A: The dog was blind too.
  • Q: Why don’t blind people skydive? A: Because it scares their dogs too much.
  • q: Is that a guide dog? A: No, it’s a dumb people detection dog, you should be glad it’s on vacation.
  • Q: What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison? A: One can’t see to go, the other can’t go to sea.
  • Q: Why can’t blind people eat fish? A: Because it’s sea food.
  • Q: Why did the blind man fall down the well? A: He couldn’t see that well.
  • Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies.
  • Q: Do all men watch porn? A: No, some are blind, they’re just listening.
  • Q: How can blind people make eye contact? A: By touching the eyes.
  • Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
  • Q: What did Louis Braille send his wife in the mail? A: Dots of love.

Shorter Blind Jokes

  • „I don’t like blind jokes. I just can’t see the point.“
  • „Don’t touch. Danger!“ must be the most scary thing to read in Braille.
  • If you have a calendar in braille, you have a year full of blind dates.
  • Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
  • I once had a shirt that said „If you can read this, you must be molesting me.“ in braille.
  • I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
  • „I heard LSD makes you see things. I guess I’ll give it a go.“
  • „Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus. Lost my job as a bus driver.“
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
  • „A blind man just walked in thinking this was a gas station. I didn’t have the heart to tell him so I sold him a pack of my own cigarettes.“
  • „Whenever someone asks me how many fingers they’re holding up, I say a random number; then I hold up the middle finger and ask them the same question.“
  • „The older you get, the worse you can see. On the other hand, you recognize assholes earlier.“
  • When sighted people get angry, they see red. When blind people get angry, they see black.
  • „Well, I couldn’t say for blind people there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.“
  • In my spare time I help blind children. – I mean the verb, not the adjective.
  • Two blind people at a cinema. „I don’t see anything!“ „Shall we switch seats?“
  • A blind woman with a guide dog asked a stranger for directions. He then told the directions to the dog.
  • „An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. I’m already blind so it won’t matter to me. Actually it might put me at an advantage.“
  • The irony of living life as a disabled person: you never get help when you actually need it, but everybody wants to help you when you’re ok.

My own you-are-blind jokes

You are blind when you sit diagonally underneath a radiant heater, being happy that the sun still shines so strongly at 9 pm.
You are blind if you get into a taxi at the train station and the driver laughs at your destination and tells you that this is no taxi at all.
You are blind if you can keep your eyes closed on the way to work in the morning until the caffeine takes effect.
You are blind if you regularly wish the empty gym locker room a good morning.
You are blind if you are never asked to help with moves or renovations.
You are blind when you can bump into people from behind and they apologize to you.
You are blind when you apologize for bumping into lampposts.
You are blind when you go jogging to an advertising pillar, gliding your hand along the wall. safe and simple.
You are blind when you look forward to self-driving cars, even though you won’t be able to afford one.
You are blind when you have eaten a lot of fruit stickers.

Longer Blind Jokes

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says „Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!“. Billy says, „Ok mommy.“ and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams „MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!“, the mom answered, „I know – April Fools!“ —

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in his pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A passerby remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the dog had done. “Not at all,” said the blind man. “I only wanted to find out which end to kick.” —

A blind man and his guide dog walk into a bar. The Blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash. The bartender yells Sir Stop! What are you doing!? The Blind guy say, I’m just looking around —.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says „You can’t bring that dog in here!“ The guy, without missing a beat, says „This is my seeing-eye dog.“ „Oh man, “ the bartender says, „I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.“ The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says „You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.“ The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says „Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!“ The second man replies „This is my seeing-eye dog.“ The bartender says, „No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.“ The man pauses for a half-second and replies „What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?“ —

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender: „Wanna hear a blonde joke?“ In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says: „Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2“, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5“ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?“ The blind guy says: „Not if I’m going to explain it five times.“ —

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released. Jon is called into the doctor’s office first. The doctor says: „Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?“ Jon says: „I’d be half blind.“ „That’s correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?“ „I’d be completely blind.“ The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon’s way out he tells Dan the questions and answers. The doctor asks Dan: „What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?“ Dan says: „I’d be half blind.“ The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, „What would happen if I cut off both your ears?“ „I’d be completely blind.“ „Dan, how can you explain that you’d be blind?“ asks the doctor. „Well,“ replies Dan, „my hat would fall over my eyes.“ —

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.” When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.” After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!” —

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!” —

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!” —

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away game”. They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. “We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They re pretty good at it too.” “Very clever!” remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?” “Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being refered to, “what about it? You got something against blind kids?” “Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, r\n”but you better get them rounded up quick! They re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!” —

Related links

What My Godfather’s Glass Eye Taught Me About Disability Humor https://catapult.co/stories/what-my-godfathers-glass-eye-taught-me-about-disability-humor
The delicate art of blind jokes https://wheresyourdog.com/2014/07/16/the-delicate-art-of-blind-jokes/

** compiled by Per Busch, published May 2018 **